I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
