I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
