I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
