For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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