Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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