two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
