how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
