When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help