I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.