I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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