Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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