3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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