When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
