I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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