I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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