The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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