I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
