Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
two words...techno handjob
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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