OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
