I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
