please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
