just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
