you didnt know i had herpes?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
