If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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