I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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