you didnt know i had herpes?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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