she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
