My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
