Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
