I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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