My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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