I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
