I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm just crazy horny about you
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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