hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
