I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
