she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
