fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night