I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
