Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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