Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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