i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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