My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
