the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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