You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
