Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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