i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
