My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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