Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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