I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
