you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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