i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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