I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
