i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
